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MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

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MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, LEBANON, OHIO 
PS 635 

«5794 p e t e Sells His Eggs 

Copy 1 °° 

By Kate Alice White 



Copyright, 1922, by March Brothers 



CHARACTERS 
Sambo — Cook at the La Salle Hotel. 
Pete — Who has eggs to sell. 

(Sambo stands at the table vigorously stirring something in a mixing pan. 
He works energetically for a minute then stops and looks at the mixture that 

he is stirring.) 

Sambo : I wondah if it am done stiff enough? (Stirs a few times.) • I beliebe it 
am all right. I'll done get it in de oben foah Pete gets heah wid dem eggs 
dat I done ohdehed. (He stirs the mixture again.) I'll get it in de pan meg- 
iately. (He pours the mixture in a pan as Pete enters.) How am you, Pete? 

Pete (watching Sambo as he works) : I'se done fine dis mohnin, 'cept foh 
uis misehy in my back. (Limps totvard the table with his hand on his back.) 
It done huht me a heap, but I 'spect it am de Lohd a punishin' me foh all my 
sins. But I'se done brought dem eggs dat you all done wanted. 

Sambo : An' is you suah dey am fresh? 

Pete: I'm certain suah they wuz done laid dis mohnin'. Pete nebber sells 
no eggs 'cept when dey is fresh. Why, I'se got thutty hens an' dey all lays 
ebbery day 'cept Sunday. Some ob dem hens am so good dat dey 'fuse to 
wuk on Sunday. 

Sambo (looking into the basket) : How many you dun brung, Pete? 

Pete (setting down basket) : I nebber tooked time to count 'em all, foh I done 
know you am in a huhhhy, so I brung 'em right ober. An' I'll count 'em 
where you can see me an' you'll, done know dat I ain't a cheatin no one, 
not eben de La Salle. (Sambo gets out a large dish and hands it to Pete who 
puts it on the table. Pete then starts taking the eggs from the basket and 
puts them in the dish as he counts.) One, two, tree — How long hab you been 
cookin' heah at the La Salle, Sambo? 

Sambo : Six years comin ' next May. 



Pete Sells His Eggs 




Pete (in a surprised tone): You doan say you done been . doin ' • Oe eookin' 
foh six yeahs. Six yeahs am a long time. (Picks up an egg and starts count- 
ing as he takes each egg up.) Six, sebben, eight, nine — What be you a makin', 
Sambo ? 

Sambo (picking up the pan that he has poured the mixture in and starting 
for the door with it) : It am angel food. 

Pete (mi a surprised tone) : Angel food? Doan dat done take a heap ob eggs? 

Sambo : It suah do. Will you blebe me, it done take lebben eggs foh dis heah 
angel food. (Holds up pan.) 

Pete: Lebben eggs be a heap ob eggs foh one cake. I doan done guess I'd 
use no lebben eggs foh one cake. (Sambo goes out but returns immediately 
without the pan. While he is gone Pete takes the dish and puts it nearer to 
him. As he does so he straightens up and puts his hand on his back as though 
it pained him fo move.) Dat back done be powful bad. (As Sambo enters 
he picks up the eggs from the basket and starts counting.) Lebben, twelbe, 
thuteon, foh teen — (Straightens up and grabs his back as though the pain was 
almost unbearable.) De misery in my back done be somefin awful. I done guess 
I'll hab to go to one ob dem doctah men. 

Sambo : If you done think dat angel food cake am good you done oughta see dat 
cake I done made for Doctah Smith when he done got mahhied. Dat cake 
take thutty eggs if it take one. 

Pete (shakes his head) : You can't make me blebe dat no cake done hab no 
thutty eggs in it. Thutty eggs (shakes his head as he picks up an egg from 
the basket and starts counting). Thutty, thutty-one, thutty-two, thutty-tree, 
thutty-foh — Dat Doctah Smith must hab some swell wedding to hab a cake 
made wid so many eggs. 

Sambo : It done was de swelles' weddin in dis yere town. Day hab de weddin 
brekfas' heah at de La Salle. An' sides cake, you should hab seen all de 
things dey hab to eat. An de bride she had a white dress wid a long train 
dat was most a mile long when she done walked. (Walks and looks behind 
him at an imaginary train.) An de groom he hab one ob dem bird coats 
what hang mos to his heels. (Looks behind him as though trying to see his 
swallow tailed coat.) An' wasn't de bride pretty, an' de doctah looked so 
hansom, 'cept he's lots older 'n the bride. 

Pete : You doan say ? An how old de doctah man be ? 

Sambo : I done guess he's 'bout fohty. 

Pete (taking the eggs out of the basket) : Fohty, fohty-one, fohty-two, fohty- 
tree, fohty-foh — 

Sambo (interrupting) : But dey done say dat de doctah 's father was most 
st'bbenty when he done got mahhied the last time. 

Pete (putting his hand on his back and straightening himself) : Sebbenty? 
(Picks up an egg and starts counting.) Sebbenty, sebbenty-one, sebbenty - 
two, sebbenty-tree, sebbenty-foh, sebbenty-fibe — 

-WO f 



Pete Sells His Eggs 



Sambo (piling up the dishes on the table) : But clat ain't nuffin foh my 
granfather done got mahhied when he wuz most eighty-fibe. "When dat wife 
died, she wuz his fouth wife, he done wanted to get mahhied again but the 
folks finally 'suaded him dat a man 'mos ninty was too old to get mahhied 
again. An' granfather he grieved an' grieved 'cause he too old to get mah- 
hied, till at las', will you believe me, that old man grieved hisself to death 
an' died. 

Pete: You doan say dat he libbed to be ninty. Dat am a good ole age, 
(Starts counting his eggs.) Ninety, ninety-one, ninety-two, ninety-tree— 
(straightens up and rubs his back). Dis misery in my back done make me 
feel like I'se a hundred. (Begins counting his eggs as he takes them from the 
basket.) Hundred-one, hundred-two, hundred-tree, hundred-foh — Wheah you 
done say dat doctah man lib ? Dis misery in my back done be powful bad. 

Sambo (looks up from his work) : De doctah man done hab lots ob money so 
ob cose he lib wheah all de swells am. I done heah tell he hab a million 
dollahs. 

Pete: A million dollahs am a lot ob money! Wish dis ole niggah had a 
million. (Picks up an egg and starts counting.) Million, million-one million- 
two — (takes out the last egg from the basket). Well, I'll gib you dis yere 
egg foh good measuhe, in case I done made a 'stake when I counted dem. 

Sambo : How many you done hab, Pete ? 

Pete (scratches his head and looks puzzled) : I done counted a million-two 
sides the one I put in foh good measuhe. 

Sambo (stops work and looks at him) : Niggah, you doan tell me dere be 
million-two eggs in dat dere dish? (points to the dish.) 

Pete (looking puzzled at first but at last he nods his head vigorously) : Yes- 
sah, dey done be a million-two fresh eggs in there sides de one I done put in 
extwa. 

Sambo (goes over to dish and takes an egg up and looks at it) : An' does you 
mean to tell me dat — (drops the egg on the floor) dem be fresh eggs? Lawsy 
massy! (Goes off holding his nose while Pete stares at him.) 

CURTAIN 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




017 401 805 4 • 



MARCH'S FAMOUS FUNNY FARCES 

Five for 25 cents. Not Leas than Five Sold. 

AUNT JAKE VISITS SCHOOL. By Jeannette Joyce. Any number of males and females. After fifty 

years Aunt Jane spends a morning in a modern school. Her obserratlons keep the audience In a roar. 
AUNT JERUSHA AND UNCLE JOSH. By Kffie Louise Koogle. 1 male, 2 females. These sccentrtc 

folk visit the school, producing no end of fun. 
AUNT LUCINDV STAYS. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Two darky characters maks 

lots of fun. Clever and clean. 
"BEAT IT!" By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 1 female. A scolding wife makes trouble for everybody, 

the parson Included. Oceans of fun. 
BETTY AND BETSY. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Betsy wag advertised for sale, but 

he wanted Betty. Bright and pretty. 
THE BUGTOWN BAND. By Archibald Humboldt. 4 males, 1 female. More fun than you can Imagine, 

and a little music which anybody can make. 
THE BUZZVILLE NEWS. By Effle Louise Koogle. 2 males, 1 female. A breezy conversation between 

the manager and new editor. A sure hit. 
DOT ENTERTAINS. By Elizabeth F. Guptlll. 1 male, 1 female. Dot entertains her big sister's beau, 

and the things she tells him are a plenty. A big success. 
THE GOOSE FEATHERBED. By Willis N. Bugbee. 4 males, 1 female. A dandy little play for Irish 

and eccentric characters. Easy and amusing. 
HASTE MAKES WASTE. By Harriette Wilbur. 3 males. The young drug clerk hurriedly grabs the 

wrong bottle and learns that haste makes waste. 
IN A DOCTOR'S OFFICE. By Jeannette Joyce. 4 males, 6 females. A take-off on the specialist of 

today, incidentally a number of the follies of humanity are exposed in a laughable manner. 
LAUGHTER AND SONG. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males, 4 females. Comic dialog interspersed with 

jolly songs, making a continuous funny story. 
LOOK OUT FOR HEZEKIAH. By Louise Rand Bascom. 3 males. 1 female. Hayseed parents visit 

college dean. Splendid opportunity for clever acting. Bright and amusing. 
THE LUNATIC OR THE PROFESSOR. By Louise Rand Bascom. 2 males, 2 females. The lunatic 

is mistaken for the brain specialist, which is hard on the lunatic. Great. 
MORE TIME OUT. By Carolyn F. Rice. 7 females. An amusing comedy dealing with the servant 

problem. The characters are strongly contrasted. Easy, but effective. 
NO PEDDLERS ADMITTED. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 1 female. The busy man intended not 

to buv, but the peddler had a suave manner. 
OH. YOU TEACHER! By C. A. Donaldson. 8 males, 4 females. A splendid comedy of school life, 

showing the amateur teacher's trials. Funny and well suited for schools. 
ONE ON THE AGENT. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. A clever skit, bright and telling 

repartee. Recommended for all occasions. 
THE "PHYSICAL TORTURE" CLUB. By Willis N. Bugbee. 2 males, 2 females. Physical culture 

exercises for which Ma is too stout and Pa is too rheumatic. Killingly funny. 
A PROPOSAL IN GRANDMA'S DAY. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. Full sf fun for 

the modern audience. 
RASTUS BLINK'S MINSTRELS. By Effle Louise Koogle. For any number. His "Kinky Konn«" are 

killing. The jolliest minstrel show ever. A deluge of drollery. 
"SCAT!" By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male, 1 female. Cunning attempt of an old maid to prove her 

youth. Very laughable. 
SEEING THE ANIMALS. By Clara J. Denton. 1 male, 2 females. A swell hotel clerk, * suffragette, 

and a spoiled child make a lively time. A hit. 
THE SQUASHVILLE FIRE BRIGADE. By Willis N. Bugbee. 3 males, 2 females, and other firemen, 

if desired. A brisk and snappy little dialog. Easy and clever. 
THE STUPID WITNESS. By Archibald Humboldt. 3 males. The lawyer and witness lock horns and 

have an awful time, but it's fun for the audience. Swift and keen. 
THE TRAIN LEAVES IN TEN MINUTES. By Louise Rand Bascom. 1 male. 2 females. Will they 

catch the train? The awful suspense is punctured by fun and wit. 
THE TRAIN TO MORROW. By Jeannette Joyce. 3 males, 2 females. Confusion in a railway 

station resulting in no end of fun for the audience. 

THE TRAVELING PHOTOGRAPHER. By Kate Alice White. 3 males, 2 females. He unexpectedly 

visits a farmer's family. All work is stopped and they pose for the picture. 
AN UP-TO-DATE PROPOSAL. By Jeannette Joyce. 2 males, 2 females. A roaring farce that- will 
keep the audience interested every minute. Effective when used with "A Proposal In Grandma's Day," 
but each complete in itself. .„„.„„. „ 

WANTED: A LICENSE TO WED. By Elizabeth F. Guptlll. 2 males, 1 female. Humorous situation 

resulting ' from a misunderstanding. Irish dialect. 

No entertainments sent on approval or exchanged. 

MARCH BROTHERS, Publishers, 208-210-212 Wright Ave, Lebanon, O. 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




